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I dread tomorrow so much but I also want it to be over with. I am burdened with so much anxiety and fear. I have to endure 2 hours of torture but at least it will be my class then I have my interview an hour later. 

I hope it goes alright. I just want to pass this semester. Please, I am scared they will patronise me. Just let me say what I want to say and I’ll take whatever happens. I just don’t want to be painted with a bad brush and it makes me look like I have ill intention when it never crossed my mind. I hope I don’t cry. I don’t stutter.

I don’t know. I just want to cry in a movie and sleep. 

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I just realised that Tuesday is so close. I can’t breathe. I am so scared of how merciless and cruel they’ll be to me. I just don’t want to cry, I know I’ll sob so terribly and make a fool out of myself.

Be kind to me. Please. This will teach me to leave things till the fucking last minute and be lazy.

I NEED TO START STUDYING FOR EXAMS. FUCKING HATE MYSELF.

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ALL I CAN FUCKING THINK ABOUT IS TUESDAY AND I WANT TO FUCKING CRY. I AM SICK TO MY FUCKING STOMACH. I HATE IT.

FUCKING HELL.

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last night was fun i needed that it concerns me how much i drink and i really need to stop but i want to stop thinking about the interview, how fat i am, how fucked i am for exams, how i want something more with him or stop putting him on a pedestal and nothing is going to happen i just need to stop

all this pathetic imagination needs to cease

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I know I am in a bad state when my eating patterns becomes disordered.

I escape through eating all the food I crave then purge it all out because I am fucking disgusting. I avoid attempting to solve or even think about my problems, my thoughts are central around food and my fucking weight. I am honestly so fat right now, it’s disgusting. I am so fucking disgusting. 

I just want to cry. Oh! How can I forget I depend on alcohol to as a coping mechanism. 

I fucking hate this.

I feel like a fool. I’m so excited to reply to him that I clicked send before I could even construct properly what I wanted to say now I sound dumb.

What I wanted to say was, “but I wanted to see you when you’re here”, I am so sad.

I HATE ME. I am worried sick about my interview and I feel so worthless and I am scared of sobbing and I don’t want to go to work but where else would I be.

I’m a mess. I just want to sleep for 2 weeks, or an eternity.

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I am so worried and I am so sad. I just want Tuesday to be over with. I am so fucking consumed by it. I am not okay.

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Sometimes, I do nice things not because I am some kindhearted selfless person. I would think that I want someone to do that in return for me and I know how it feels to be ignored and feel so worthless. 

I put myself in another’s shoes then I do that kind deed. I don’t think that’s selfless. I don’t know. I’m thinking too much into everything.

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I honestly feel so deprived of energy and I am burdened with sadness and anxiety.

I am honestly so terrified for my interview. I will cry so hard and I can imagine how cruel they will be to me like they were to my sister and I didn’t even have an ill-intention. Just an idiotic lazy student. I did not want to claim other people’s work as my own. 

I hate me. I feel like everyone hates me. 

I hung out with my best friend today and we talked about shit that is so pointless. I kept having urges to talk about how I feel then I realised I dreaded even talking about it. I was just not in the mood to talk about feelings or how I’ve been doing because I just don’t want to. It’s too much to even say in real life, I do not know where to start. 

I just keep eating and spending my feelings and it has done me no fucking good. I am so fucking fat. God, I am disgusting. I want to rip my entire body into pieces. 

I just want to cry. I just want to die. I am just so fucking sick to death of feeling this way. Nothing is ever going to change and the thing is, it is all in my head. 

I will never be able to escape my head.

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i feel like shit and a fat piece of shit i just want to sleep and cry i am so sad

i fucking hate myself i have no energy

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