There is something I often think about and it is something that haunts me incredibly.
I read books and watch movies about love and romance and when the character goes through a betrayal, a heartbreak, or just suffers because of their lover’s actions, and they’re torn apart unable to piece themselves back together. My heart aches and it’s almost as if I am going through it as well, but I’m able to pull myself out of the torment knowing that it isn’t something I’ll experience because I do not have someone I love, someone that means so much to me.
Therefore, I am scared. I might not have that special person right now in my life, but I will eventually in my life, sooner or later, encounter someone who I will perceive as that ‘special’ person or actually meet that special person. Either way, it is a terrifying thought.
I live in fear of what might happen in the future. I don’t want to fall in love because I do not want to experience heartbreak. I’m scared because I know everyone has to go through heartbreak at least once in their life but I don’t want to. I am scared to think that I ‘love’ a person and let them be the one to destroy me. I am scared that when we pass the ‘honeymoon’ phase of every relationship, the true colours show. There’ll be fights, doubts, suspicions, frustration, everything and sooner and later, you fall apart and the cycle repeats itself until you meet that special someone. Even then, you’ll still be upset by them.
Bottom line is, I don’t want to be so vulnerable in someone else’s hands because I know I will. Once I find someone I trust, I value them so much that it’ll destroy me to find out that they’re not who I thought they were and I am scared of what I will become.
I am scared that I won’t ever recover and I am scared of how suicidal I will be. I already despise living now when I have no one, and I am more often sad and empty than not, I can’t imagine what I’d be like and that is what I truly fear.