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then i realised i was stone cold and i genuinely possess no feelings towards anyone deep down inside

i have been blessed and i am so grateful and appreciative of all the opportunities that have been presented to me and the experience/memories i have gained from it

i am a terrible person i have deserved none of it but i don’t go by a day without thinking how blessed i am 

i still don’t know why i want to watch myself bleed but i will have the world know that it is not because of my life circumstances it is just in my own fucking head

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and sometimes i know why i can’t fucking stand my mum she tells me i have gained fucking weight all the time and to check the scales bc i eat so much

are you fucking kidding me mum did you want me to fall back to how i was 2 years ago oh no you wouldn’t fucking know

i think she wants me to go back starving and purging then i won’t be fucking fat

but you know what she’s right i just ate fucking burger and chips today for no reason i am fucking fat 

I SHOULD STOP FUCKING EATING

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i am honestly an idiot i searched trypophobia and looked at the images then almost had a panic attack and cry and i am now feeling so fucking disgusted and i can’t sleep and the fucking images are haunting me THIS IS HONESTLY A FUCKING NIGHTMARE I CAN NOT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD

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I am so exhausted and I was literally shaking from anxiety during dinner, or hunger, or both but I felt so sick and all I could do was shake and I thought I was about to pass out.

I think I’ll sleep now. Or read a book.

Perhaps, it’s the eagerness of me trying to find a group of friends that fully understands the person I am so I jump on every new person that I meet, putting them on a pedestal and make it out in my mind that they will be that friend and they are without flaws.

Alas, that will never be the case because people aren’t perfect and maybe, this is just life. You will never find that group of friends that fully understands who you are as a person, you will find that special one or two but the rest are just good companions that you’re comfortable in being yourself.

I make myself upset because I have expectations. I have this image in my mind of how things should be and how my life should play out but we all know that reality will never be what I imagine, so I am setting myself up for failure since the start and wonder why I don’t wish to be alive.

I know I am the cause of every single one of my fucking problem, which is why I hate myself. God damn it, do I hate myself!

I just feel so empty and am constantly waiting and yearning for that drastic change in my life, something or someone that will just fill this darkness that I call my life - I don’t know with what, but just make me want to be alive. 

That’s where I am wrong too. I should be expecting it from myself and I am, hence why I work hard so I could create this opportunities for myself, but damn, these innate instincts are hard to find because you find yourself hoping anyway.

I want to escape this mundaneness that surrounds me. I am destined for so much more, I just need to find it.

Or I just need to stop breathing, because what’s the point? I can’t run from myself and my mind is my problem so it’ll follow me wherever.

I hate being alive. I want to die.

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I don’t understand why I have been feeling so sad this week. I want to attribute it to the fucking weather because it’s been so fucking hot and I have just been frustrated because I can’t stand the slightest bit of heat.

I want to say it’s the law report that I still haven’t started and it’s due in two days and it’s just been on my mind.

Or it’s getting around that time where I always relapse consistently around these times of the month because lasting till the end of the month being happy is just hard. I am bound to fall apart for two weeks each month, which leaves the other half being okay.

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If only the thoughts that first run through my mind in the morning isn’t “Why am I still alive” and “Why did I wake up and not just die in my sleep” then maybe my days will go better.

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I idealise and idolise people so often that I think that’s what my problem is. I need to stop putting people on pedestal and realise that they are mere human beings, just like me. 

They won’t be the one to put me out of my misery, they won’t be whatever it is that I am looking for to fill the void.

People are not sanctuaries. 

Most of the time, I hate hanging out with my friends - no matter how big or small. It’s just because after the day is over and I am alone in my room, all I can replay is the conversations I had with in my head over and over again and it’s so often that I exaggerate or things don’t come out as I intend to say it.

Honestly, those replays of the conversations makes me realise how shit of a human being I am. The things I say are so fucking terrible or I am not supposed to say them or I say them because I think it’ll make me appear cooler (??) or just more impressive as a human being, I don’t fucking know what the point of me saying those shit is but it’s every single time and I hate it.

I tell myself, next time, JUST DO NOT DO IT. Say it like it is. There is no need to exaggerate. No need to impress others. No need. Just fucking be yourself, then what the fuck do I find? The same bullshit and I am so livid and upset at the same time.

Nothing I ever say comes out right. I can’t ever be the best person I aspire to be. I just fucking revert and I am trying so fucking hard.

I fucking hate myself. I’m so worthless. No one likes me. I am so annoying. I am a terrible human being that deserves nothing.

12gaysruinedmylife: Im sorry your having such a hard time, I understand that pain and suffering but please do not give up, im here to talk if you want <3

Thank you so much for being so kind. I am okay, for now and hope you continue to be well too! X

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