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I am grateful to have my friends and family. I am grateful for everything that’s happened to me this year. 2014 has been an incredible year for me and I am so thankful.

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There are a lot of times where I know I just need to be left alone to cool off and I’d recommend for everyone to do that when I seem annoyed or angry and you’re unsure what you’ve done wrong.

I’d say more than 50% of the time, it really is me being oversensitive and I look into things too much and my mind picks apart every single detail of the situation and enlarge it to make it a big deal to me and my vision is blurred and my emotions go absolutely haywire. 

I eventually am able to realise that I am being ridiculous and get over it and I’ll make the effort again. I am an extremely temperamental person and everyone knows that about me but I am also a person who doesn’t like intentionally hurting someone. If I know that you’re a person who genuinely cares about me, I will not hold grudges against you. I get over it, I get over things pretty easily but it’s just hard to know when I should be left alone and when you should approach me. 

Even though, I’ll most likely be extremely sad that I’m being ‘ignored’ or ‘left alone’, but really, it’s what’s needed for me. I will get over it and be thankful that I was left alone. 

See, this is why I am constantly surprised as to why I have friends. I am such a fucking frustrating person to deal with. It’s revolting. I just need time to calm down, really.

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No one cares. No one understands. Every friendship, I seem distant and uncaring like it doesn’t bother me if it’s over but the truth is, the reason I do that is because I do care.

I feel like I care more in every friendship than the other person and it’s just frustrating. I place my distance so when we do drift apart, it’ll mask how much it hurts and how much I do care.

By allowing yourself to be in a position where you seem like you won’t be hurt and they’re the one putting all the effort in, you make yourself less susceptible to people taking advantage of you and taking your presence for granted.

Alas, I think I’ve put far too much distance that they have accustomed to me not being there and me not caring. I suppose that’s my own fault, but it doesn’t seem right anymore when I don’t feel like myself completely and I feel unsettled and uncomfortable around them or after spending time with them.

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It’s kind of funny how when the tables turn, it’s all of a sudden not okay.

I’m such a shit friend. I like my friends, but at times, I really don’t because I realised that I don’t get a chance to speak up and all I do is get severely criticised and judged by them and they do not understand what I’m about and it’s tiring to constantly suppress what I want to do or say just to avoid all the critics that’ll come with it. I feel uncomfortable around them because I know they’ll speak behind my back about what I do, laugh at my actions and how annoying I am and that’s scary to know.

I just keep my distance. I have found other friends whom I go on trips with and cafés and exploring, I find them better company.

What’s more upsetting is that I wanted to support my friend at her game the other day and asked for time and everything but I’ve asked 3 times and was ignored all 3 times so I gave up. I didn’t bother speaking anymore and no one fucking noticed. Not even my best friend and that makes me mad. I am done. I can’t wait to leave in 2 days.

I’m over sensitive perhaps, but I just can’t stand being ignored constantly and I feel like I’m making a fool out of myself. Fuck it. They don’t care about me anymore. I can feel us drifting apart, and perhaps, it’s my fault.

I don’t know. I know when I go away for 6 months next year if I happen to be accepted for student exchange, when I come back, they’ll forget about me. Things will be different and it kind of scares me.

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Sometimes, I am more scared of myself and what I’ll do more than anything. I can already foresee that I will be the one to cause the person that I love to suffer because of how distant I am and how bottled up I am. 

I’ll show such scarce affection that I’ll leave them questioning if I even love them in the first place. I’ll show so little care and I’ll tell them so little things about myself, it’s not because that I don’t love or care about them, it’s because I do and no one should be weighed down by my burden.

Besides, I don’t think I want to ever fall in love. I don’t see myself ever. It is not a priority for me, but it is a dream - we all know how dreams end up. It’s an exhausting experience that I can live without.

I hate humans and social relationships.

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There is something I often think about and it is something that haunts me incredibly. 

I read books and watch movies about love and romance and when the character goes through a betrayal, a heartbreak, or just suffers because of their lover’s actions, and they’re torn apart unable to piece themselves back together. My heart aches and it’s almost as if I am going through it as well, but I’m able to pull myself out of the torment knowing that it isn’t something I’ll experience because I do not have someone I love, someone that means so much to me. 

Therefore, I am scared. I might not have that special person right now in my life, but I will eventually in my life, sooner or later, encounter someone who I will perceive as that ‘special’ person or actually meet that special person. Either way, it is a terrifying thought. 

I live in fear of what might happen in the future. I don’t want to fall in love because I do not want to experience heartbreak. I’m scared because I know everyone has to go through heartbreak at least once in their life but I don’t want to. I am scared to think that I ‘love’ a person and let them be the one to destroy me. I am scared that when we pass the ‘honeymoon’ phase of every relationship, the true colours show. There’ll be fights, doubts, suspicions, frustration, everything and sooner and later, you fall apart and the cycle repeats itself until you meet that special someone. Even then, you’ll still be upset by them.

Bottom line is, I don’t want to be so vulnerable in someone else’s hands because I know I will. Once I find someone I trust, I value them so much that it’ll destroy me to find out that they’re not who I thought they were and I am scared of what I will become.

I am scared that I won’t ever recover and I am scared of how suicidal I will be. I already despise living now when I have no one, and I am more often sad and empty than not, I can’t imagine what I’d be like and that is what I truly fear.

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Breathe. I’m not scared. I’m not anxious. I will be fine.

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I hope everything will continue to be fine. I just have to think positive.

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It’s a pattern I do and I’m determined to break it. There are so many things wrong with me and it’s impeding my ability to function as a normal fucking human being.

I realised I have no one I can talk to. Whenever my family or friends asks me how are things, I reply with cryptic answers. I have a lot of things to say, but those thoughts never come out. I’m not sure why, I know I stop myself because no one cares, no one understands, it’s too long and not worth anyone’s time. It’s much easier to pretend you’re fine than to tell someone what you’re really thinking and I am so used to doing that.

It’s much less exhausting to put up my happy facade in front of people than be completely honest about my thoughts and explaining something to them that they’ll never fucking understand. It saves everyone time.

I write everything out here at least, so I’m not entirely bottling it up.

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Last night, I was kept wide awake with anxiety and fear. I was thinking about work and I don’t know how it got to the point that it did but I was truly freaking out and starting to dread work. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t want to dread work!

My first shift went well. I liked it. I was nervous and shaky but it’s inevitable considering it was my first shift. I don’t know how I let my mind convinced myself last night that I want to quit again and everything’s going to be terrible. For fuck’s sake, I hate my mind. It drives me insane. I literally lose sanity when I’m in my own head.

I feel ridiculous as I’m writing this because I know I’ll be fine. Everything will be fine. I like my new job, I mean there is the crippling fear that my manager dislike me, I’ll encounter the worst customer possible, I’m incompetent and etc. The list can go on but I have to stop thinking this way. It doesn’t help anything at all, in fact, it makes everything worse.

I’ll be fine. Go with the flow. Come on, everything’s fine! I need to stop letting anxiety mess with me.

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