Perhaps, it’s the eagerness of me trying to find a group of friends that fully understands the person I am so I jump on every new person that I meet, putting them on a pedestal and make it out in my mind that they will be that friend and they are without flaws.
Alas, that will never be the case because people aren’t perfect and maybe, this is just life. You will never find that group of friends that fully understands who you are as a person, you will find that special one or two but the rest are just good companions that you’re comfortable in being yourself.
I make myself upset because I have expectations. I have this image in my mind of how things should be and how my life should play out but we all know that reality will never be what I imagine, so I am setting myself up for failure since the start and wonder why I don’t wish to be alive.
I know I am the cause of every single one of my fucking problem, which is why I hate myself. God damn it, do I hate myself!
I just feel so empty and am constantly waiting and yearning for that drastic change in my life, something or someone that will just fill this darkness that I call my life - I don’t know with what, but just make me want to be alive.
That’s where I am wrong too. I should be expecting it from myself and I am, hence why I work hard so I could create this opportunities for myself, but damn, these innate instincts are hard to find because you find yourself hoping anyway.
I want to escape this mundaneness that surrounds me. I am destined for so much more, I just need to find it.
Or I just need to stop breathing, because what’s the point? I can’t run from myself and my mind is my problem so it’ll follow me wherever.
I hate being alive. I want to die.