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31.08.14
12:18pm

I still miss him terribly and he consumes my mind and my heart aches at the thought of him.





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I hate how alone people makes me feel.



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It’s so bizarre how I never see anything coming!

Something was discussed in my English class today, are we all driven by chance and have no absolute control of what life throws at us and we’ll have to trip and fall and keep moving forward or is it destiny.

Today, I’m saying I never saw it coming in a positive way. This morning, I felt so terrible and stressed out over my philosophy assignment. I didn’t know if I would ever finish it.

Tonight, I have finished it and I have around 3 days to make improvements to it but I honestly didn’t even think I could start. I’m hoping I score a good mark and I’m on the right track. Philosophy is a challenging subject.

I can’t even begin to explain how much I love going to university. I am so content with all the units I’m doing, and I love learning and studying and I care about it so much. I am not scared to say it. I put my education first over anything and it is my own choice because I love studying. I care about it immensely. I would rather skip out on all the good times and not sabotage my marks, but really, that’s where balancing comes in to play.

Tonight, I bought tickets to another music festival and I get to see Danny. Sometimes, I think about it and I really miss Splendour. It was an incredible time and I was so happy!

I have to move on to keep living, right?

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I FUCKING LOVE DANNY I DON’T CARE WHAT I SAID ABOUT AVOIDING LISTENING TO HIM FUCK IT I WANT TO MARRY THAT MAN

I possess so much emotions towards Danny. I know I won’t talk about him anymore, I’m trying to.

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12:04am

Life somehow seems a lot more, hopeless than it already is,
I feel the darkness closing in on me,
I want to cease breathing,
I want to stop living,
I need to stop being alive.

I can feel the self-loathe running through my veins,
the fresh new wounds I made on myself stings but in the way that I yearn,
those red wounds emit the warmth that I crave from your voice,
I have never felt more lonelier than I do right now.

I’m just a girl who pretends that her life is melancholic,
in reality,
I just need to make myself bleed a little more,
drink some Vodka,
put some lipstick on,
and stop feeling sorry for myself.

I still want to die.





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27.08.14

Today marks what was supposed to be me being three months clean but not anymore. It marks me relapsing and throwing that three months clean down the drain. I really could care less.

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I hope one day I stop feeling so detached and removed from reality. Or maybe, I should just get out of my room and stop bathing in my self-loathe and realised that this world is fucking okay and I am fucking alright and stop wallowing in self-pity and do something productive.

Sounds good, right after I relapse.

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I have never felt more alone in this world than these past four years. I feel so isolated and complex and plain insane. I know I’m surely not the only one and it frustrates me how much I subconsciously enjoy pretending that I am more fucked up than I actually am. 

I hate myself.

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I have the strong urge to overdose again.

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