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misanthropicmutiny:

Living with mental illness means that on some days it will be even harder to cope and you might not be able to explain why. It could be because you havent slept enough, because a smell reminded you of feeling sad, or for no reason at all.

This is a reminder that we dont have to justify our feelings or abilities to anyone, just do whats needed to make it to the next day.

(via fading-breath)

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sometimes i really want to write but i don’t know what to write i wait to feel inspired and i see people get inspired and i want to feel inspired and i see people achieving their dreams bc they feel passionate and i want to feel passionate about things and i know things that i am passionate about but i don’t have the motivation to do it and i fucking hate me

i sometimes find it so hard to do anything bc i am always so fucking cynical and pessimistic but god damn it what is wrong with me but i hate being optimistic it feels scary to me i don’t like it i feel like i don’t have a grip on reality if i think that way and i am leaving myself vulnerable less expectation means less disappointment

and god everything runs through my head 100 miles per hour and theres so many thing i want to do and i want to kill myself but i want to live to see where i end up 20 years later but god do i fucking want to die and i want to cry and i don’t know what i want and my anxiety is hitting me hard and i just want to cry

i can’t handle this and i just want to sit in bed and sleep but then i am waiting i am always for something excited to happen to me and i depend on this dumb boy and i hate him and i hate me and how much i think about him but i don’t like him i just perceive in my head that i like him or i am just merely interested in him bc i think he’ll be the thing i am waiting something exciting

no i am just lonely but i hate people but i want him but i don’t want him but god i just want him to show some interest in me but how could he we live in different states what am i thinking but we’re in the same country at least right wrong no bc thats still too far away and i don’t think he likes girls so thats great i like a guy who’s miles away and doesn’t like girls perfect i am heading down the right path

but i don’t like him god fucking sake i don’t know how i feel about him i think i just imposed too much expectations on him i need to stop nothings going to happen but i want it too

and i just want to die and i just want to cry and i just want to do well in uni and i am scared of exams and i need to fucking catch up on uni work i need to do my study abroad application fucking damn it if i want to leave next year

i just lack so much energy and motivation what is wrong with me i just want to cry

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I don’t see how my day can get fucking worse and it’s only 2pm but I have a feeling it will and I have a long night tonight.

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I am honestly 203% done with myself. I don’t think I’ll ever get more fucking frustrated and angry and just loathe a person more than myself.

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and y’all will never know that i come out of fights with my mum at the losing end every single fucking time u know why bc she’s always the bigger person and i am always the shittest fucking daughter she’ll ever get

i know i know she’ll get it done for me despite how much i angered her she’ll still do the things i ask her to and I’m left wondering if i regret all the things i said about her

i do sometimes but theres a reason i said those things but it doesn’t mean that the feelings i held still stands i don’t have the same hatred i have towards her 2 years ago she means as much to me as my dad does and i know she’ll never have an ill intention towards me

i know all of these fucking things but its me I AM THE FUCKING PROBLEM okay i get so fucking caught up in my head that i fucking lash out at everyone and everything i honestly feel like i have a problem with keeping myself calm if im not super excited and happy and just ecstatic as fuck i am nervous and jittery and shaking from anxiety and if not that i am depressed as fuck and crying and suicidal and if not that i am fucking angry and aggressive and livid and just out of control

THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN I AM THE EXTREME ENDS OF ALL EMOTIONS SPECTRUM 

i hate myself i am a fucking terrible person

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my mum is honestly the most insufferable hypocritical in denial person ever

i swear to fucking god if she dares to think that she can tell me that i have gained fucking weight and then proceed to shove food down my throat just because she doesn’t want to eat her own fucking portion bc she’s trying to fucking lose weight and claims that she doesn’t fucking know that i had eaten that much when 3 hours before she clearly said that i am eating too much and am fucking gaining weight and should step on the scale she has another fucking thing coming

if she thinks she can justify beating us when we were kids and claim that it is part of our culture and this form of teaching is still valid at this day and age i will fucking take her down if she thinks she can justify hitting me and making me cry till i vomit every single year up until my 4th birthday and claim that is it my fault bc i was a fucking child who didn’t listen just bc i poked my own damn birthday cake she has another fucking thing coming 

if she thinks she can let me think i was dumb all through out my adolescent years and it wasn’t until recent years that i realise i am really fucking intelligent and i have what it takes bc i am fucking clever and favour my little sister and get away with it then no it aint fucking happening 

theres a reason i end up doing things myself bc she’s fucking incompetent okay she isn’t but she doesn’t give me the reassurance that she cares even slightly the shit i want to get done she brushes it off like child matter MAYBE ITS CHILD FUCKING MATTER TO YOU BUT I AM FUCKING CONCERN OKAY and this is why i don’t trust other fucking people to do things for me bc they never fucking get it done the way i want them to if even at all honestly for fuck sake

ill gladly snort at past experiences bc i have said that i want to let it go but if i bring it up and u decide to justify ur actions and brush of my feelings and experience ur a fucking piece of shit 

don’t try and justify for the torment u put me thru don’t try and justify that violence towards children is a form of teaching don’t use culture albeit its part of our “culture” it should not be a fucking norm anymore it doesn’t make it valid don’t try and justify anything that you have done to me and try to make your behaviours any more acceptable bc it fucking isnt

this moments makes me realise how i was able to detest the living cells out of my fucking mum during my high school years and how i would not fucking flinch if she fucking died 

but i am older now i think more now i don’t think anything that i have said here is wrong and that its my fault but ill admit i was wrong in overreacting but honestly half the things she fucking done to me cant be justified even if she fucking tried and if i am cruel enough (i don’t know if i am maybe in a few years ill grow crueler or our relationship will grow stronger) but if it goes the other way i will make her feel the guilt and let it fucking consume her bc i am shit fucking human being

i have written all my feelings out and now i feel better but i still refuse to fucking talk to her i am done i am so over this constant back and forth and she said sometimes she hates me and i will go out there and tell her the exact same fucking thing that’ll cut her inside but i don’t fucking care “i am glad i don’t have to see you for fucking two days” bc what else is family for if it isn’t to piss each other off and cut each other up with poison temperamental words

FUCKING NOTHING AND THIS IS WHAT I HAVE GROWN UP TO LEARN

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another thing is these white boys from the state i live in are the most insufferable racist scums ever

like if u think im going to sit here and let u throw racist remarks my way and think it’s fucking funny u have another thing coming u piece of shit i will tell u like it is AKA FUCK OFF

HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THAT AND EXPECT ME TO LAUGH??!?? UR FUCKING INSULTING ME AND PEOPLE OF MY RACE U PIECE OF SHIT AND EXPECT ME TO LAUGH ?!!????

honestly i will fucking stand up for myself even if it gets me in fucking trouble

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every time i go out my perpetuating hatred towards white boys increases like i got groped three times last night without my fucking consent ?!??!???

the first time this guy tried to subtly dance next to me then slide HIS HAND UP BETWEEN MY FUCKING THIGHS THE AUDACITY OF THESE FUCKING BOYS I DID NOT WANT YOU TO DANCE WITH ME NOR DID I ASK YOU TO VIOLATE ME YOU SCUM

how the fucking hell do u think u can back ur ass against me and grope me from behind first did i ask u to back ur ass on me ??!? no???? did i even know ur existence prior to violating me???? FUCKING NO

the sickest part is even after i smack their hand away and clearly have a look of disgust on my face they look so fucking smug about it so fucking filthy

WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT YOU THAT IT IS OKAY TO VIOLATE GIRLS LIKE THAT

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12gaysruinedmylife: Hey dont be so hard on yourself, i understand parents are difficult and i cant even imagine how upset you must be feeling, but please try to stay strong, i wish you the best

Thank you your consistent kind words and for caring. It means very much! :)

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I don’t think suicidal people get enough credit for not acting on their suicidal thoughts.

aha-itsme:

This post is for all of you who have survived the urge to end your life, either coming out the other side or still fighting to stay alive. 

I noticed how when someone has a physical illness such as cancer, and they come out the other side or even remission, they are able to celebrate surviving. I think all of the survivors of being suicidal should too.

Congratulations, and keep on fighting.

(via nickjonasstillhasdiabetes)

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